I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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