I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
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SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
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So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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