my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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