my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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