I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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