What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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