DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
