I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
