When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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