So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
