I will die if light touches me.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just google imaged poop.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
