my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
