Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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