Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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