One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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