I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
