I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
