69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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