dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the condom got lost in my hair
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
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We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
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We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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