Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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