i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
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There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
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I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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