I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
How naked do you want me to be?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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