She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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