I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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