I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
