I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
