you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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