How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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