well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So squirting runs in the family.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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