Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
