Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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