I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
