Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
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I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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