Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
