Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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