So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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