Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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