Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
