i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
