I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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