I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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