Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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