and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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