I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
