Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
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Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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