Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
