I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Who died my cat blue again?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
