im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
