I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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