when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
