Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
