I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
