Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
