I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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