If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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