You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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